Self-Care After Betrayal: No, It’s Not Selfish—It’s Survival
- S D
- Jun 1, 2024
- 4 min read
Updated: Feb 12
When you’ve been blindsided by betrayal—whether it’s an affair, pornography addiction, or emotional infidelity—your world feels like it’s been hit by a wrecking ball. Your brain is in overdrive, your emotions are all over the place, and somehow, people expect you to function like a normal human being.
Newsflash: You’re not supposed to.
This is where self-care comes in. Not the fluffy, bubble-bath-and-face-mask kind (although, hey, if that helps—go for it). I’m talking about real, life-preserving self-care. The kind that helps you get through the next hour, the next day, and the next wave of heartbreak without completely losing yourself in the wreckage.
Why Self-Care Isn’t Selfish (It’s Biblical, Actually)
Somewhere along the way, “self-care” got rebranded as selfishness—especially for women in Christian circles. Like if you’re not constantly serving others with a smile on your face, you’re failing at life. Let’s correct that.
Mark 12:31 says, “Love your neighbor as yourself.”
Notice the key part: “as yourself.” You can’t pour into others if you’re running on empty. Jesus Himself often withdrew to quiet places to pray, rest, and reconnect with the Father (Luke 5:16). If the Son of God needed time to Himself, I’m pretty sure you’re allowed to, too.
Self-care isn’t about neglecting your responsibilities—it’s about making sure you don’t neglect yourself in the process of managing everything else. Betrayal trauma isn’t just emotional; it’s physical, mental, and spiritual. Your nervous system has been hijacked, and if you don’t intentionally care for yourself, burnout isn’t just possible—it’s inevitable.
Real Self-Care Strategies for Betrayal Trauma (Beyond Bubble Baths)
1. Give Yourself Permission to Feel
This isn’t the time to “stay strong” or “fake it till you make it.” Your emotions aren’t the enemy. Bottling them up is.
Journal your thoughts.
Cry ugly tears.
Scream into a pillow if you need to.
David did it in the Psalms. He wasn’t shy about laying it all out before God. “I am worn out from my groaning. All night long I flood my bed with weeping…” (Psalm 6:6). Sound familiar? You’re in good company.
2. Protect Your Peace Like It’s Your Job
Not everyone deserves access to you right now. If certain people are making you feel worse—whether it’s unsolicited advice, judgment, or “just trying to help” comments—create some distance.
Mute their calls.
Leave that group chat.
Take a break from social media if scrolling feels like salt in the wound.
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” (Proverbs 4:23)Guarding your heart isn’t just about romance. It’s about protecting your mental and emotional well-being from anything that drains you.
3. Nourish Your Body (Even If You Don’t Feel Like It)
When you’re in trauma mode, basic things like eating, drinking water, and sleeping feel impossible. But your body is in survival mode, and it needs fuel.
Keep easy snacks nearby if full meals feel overwhelming.
Set reminders to drink water.
Prioritize sleep, even if it’s broken. Rest when you can.
Remember Elijah? After his emotional breakdown in 1 Kings 19, God didn’t hit him with a lecture. He sent an angel with food and told him to nap. Sometimes, the holiest thing you can do is eat a snack and take a nap.
4. Connect with People Who Get It
Isolation can feel like the safest option when you’re hurting, but it often makes things worse. Find safe people:
A trusted friend who listens without trying to “fix” you.
A support group for betrayed partners.
A coach (hi, that’s me) who understands betrayal trauma and can help you process it.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says, “Two are better than one… If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.” You don’t have to walk this road alone.
5. Pray Honestly (Even If You’re Mad at God)
Yes, I said it. If you’re angry with God, tell Him. He can handle it. Your prayers don’t have to be polished and pretty.
“I don’t understand.”
“I’m furious.”
“Why did You let this happen?”
God’s not looking for perfect prayers—He’s looking for honest hearts. The Psalms are full of raw, unfiltered prayers. God met David in his darkest moments, and He’ll meet you in yours, too.
Self-Care Doesn’t Fix Betrayal Trauma—But It Helps You Survive It
Self-care won’t magically erase the pain, but it will help you survive while you’re navigating it. It’s not selfish. It’s not indulgent. It’s necessary. You’re not weak for needing it—you’re wise for choosing it.
How I Can Help
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, stuck, or just exhausted from trying to “hold it all together,” I’m here to help. As a betrayal trauma coach, I support Christian women like you through:
Setting boundaries that protect your peace
Processing the grief and rage that come with betrayal
Finding practical ways to care for your heart, mind, and spirit
Struggling financially? I offer sliding scale fees because healing should never be out of reach. Just reach out through my contact page, and we’ll work something out.
You don’t have to walk this road alone. Let’s talk.